Well..we are at the gates of 2007...Saddam will not be joining us...
Every year some writer is locked in a room and told to compile the year's obituaries of the famous people that left and gave us more room on this lovely planet (the envy of the whole solar system surely). The former Iraqi leader was a last minute entry...but the writer is, of course, 'on call' should anything happen before we all get drunk and spend our first few hours of the new year, hungover, cursing the boot we had mistaken for a pillow before we passed out.
So to all you famous people out there, if you want your obituary in the 2006 list, you have a couple of hours at the most..otherwise, it won't appear till Dec 2007, and if that's the case you'd better be a damn celebrity, because if you're only mildly famous you run the risk of being forgotten.
I would recommend you abstain from 'risky' behaviour till February or perhaps late January (for the restless folk). No public speaking, no high-speed car rides (if you live in Beirut, stay clear of car rides all together), no invasions and for-the-love-of-god(s) don't get old or sick...and if you are old or sick, you've probably lasted a while and a few more months shouldn't be too hard.
That's my advice to you...all you famous people...because if your not on the list you might as well have been in that bus accident a few Thursdays back...no one will know you died.
Happy New Year.
31.12.06
4.12.06
Taking to the Street
My city is on the brink.
Am I devastated? Certainly.
What now? I'm unsure
...but after a short journey down memory lane, I realized that troubled waters are ubiquitous.
As I always tend to do when I'm shrouded with doubt, I looked to my childhood heroes for a morale boost. But they were nowhere to be found. What happened?
I had to dig deeper.
Ernie: Diagnosed with Schizophrenia - Ernie had found it hard to adjust to the fact that Bert didn't actually exist. He was merely an illusion, Ernie had been sleeping next to a decaying banana for all these years.
Current Location: Still locked away in a psychiatric ward, his doctor insists that he is doing well and that he is "ill" but "not a homosexual."
Cookie Monster: The blue monster currently promoting fruits and vegetables on PBS is but an imposter. You can tell by his accent.
Current Location: Deceased - malnutrition...he should have known better
The Count: Few people knew that the Count had actually escaped from Eastern Europe during the rise of Communism. He seeked asylum in the US and it was going just fine. But with the program gaining so much popularity around the world, It was a matter of time before someone still bearing a grudge would track him down.
Current Location: Deceased (Assassinated?) - Killed by consuming 1,2,3 poisonous apples.
Oscar: When you live in a trash can, you're just asking for trouble.
Current Location: Unknown - Last seen being dragged away by garbage men. The municipality also sent a formal apology to the people of Sesame Street for not cleaning the garbage for 30 years. They claimed that they never knew there was a street there in the first place.
So you see, my city is not the only troubled place. No matter how bad it gets, misery loves company. If we are going down, we're taking all of Sesame Street down with us.
Am I devastated? Certainly.
What now? I'm unsure
...but after a short journey down memory lane, I realized that troubled waters are ubiquitous.
As I always tend to do when I'm shrouded with doubt, I looked to my childhood heroes for a morale boost. But they were nowhere to be found. What happened?
I had to dig deeper.
Ernie: Diagnosed with Schizophrenia - Ernie had found it hard to adjust to the fact that Bert didn't actually exist. He was merely an illusion, Ernie had been sleeping next to a decaying banana for all these years.
Current Location: Still locked away in a psychiatric ward, his doctor insists that he is doing well and that he is "ill" but "not a homosexual."
Cookie Monster: The blue monster currently promoting fruits and vegetables on PBS is but an imposter. You can tell by his accent.
Current Location: Deceased - malnutrition...he should have known better
The Count: Few people knew that the Count had actually escaped from Eastern Europe during the rise of Communism. He seeked asylum in the US and it was going just fine. But with the program gaining so much popularity around the world, It was a matter of time before someone still bearing a grudge would track him down.
Current Location: Deceased (Assassinated?) - Killed by consuming 1,2,3 poisonous apples.
Oscar: When you live in a trash can, you're just asking for trouble.
Current Location: Unknown - Last seen being dragged away by garbage men. The municipality also sent a formal apology to the people of Sesame Street for not cleaning the garbage for 30 years. They claimed that they never knew there was a street there in the first place.
So you see, my city is not the only troubled place. No matter how bad it gets, misery loves company. If we are going down, we're taking all of Sesame Street down with us.
23.11.06
15.11.06
The Selling of Shepherds to Sheep by Sheep
Prologue
I don't mean to kill the mood or to crash any one's party (parties), but I'd like to reflect on the problem. Yes the problem, we all know there is one though many fail to agree on what it is. This is by no means a solution, but it occurred to me that the problem is not unity nor is it separation. The problem is not missiles or clusters, or tribunals or tears. The problem is not zeal nor is it apathy. The problem is not bodies, its not buildings, it's not promises, it's not lies. It's not blue, it's not orange, it's red, yellow,green or black. The problem is not religion, it's not economy and we can all agree it is most definitely not politics.
The problem is simply delusions of grandeur.
You see good salespeople would convince you that you need to buy their product. They'll convince you that you are better off with it, that it will be to your benefit and that's what makes them good. Delusional salespeople would eventually tell you to fuck off; they are gonna keep the product for themselves because that's what makes them better than you.
Delusions of grandeur.
Act One
Sheep A: On a good day, I'd beat that wolf.
Sheep B: Yeah, you can beat that wolf.
Sheep A: On a good day.
Sheep B: Not a good day today is it?
Sheep A: Not a good day.
Sheep B: So is this...a bad day?
Sheep A: Wouldn't it have to be?
Sheep B: I don't think so.
Sheep A: So you are saying the day could be neither good nor bad?
Sheep B: Is that what I'm saying?
Sheep A: If that's what your saying, then I think you are brilliant?
Sheep B: That's what I'm saying.
Sheep A: I think you are brilliant.
Sheep B: I am brilliant then.
Act Two
Sheep A: That sheep over there is brilliant.
Sheep C: Is he?
Sheep A: He is.
Sheep C: How come?
Sheep A: He is enlightened.
Sheep C: Enlightened?
Sheep A: Enlightened...and brilliant.
Sheep C: Is that so?
Sheep A: Of course that is so.
Sheep C: How can I be sure?
Sheep A: Why don't you think he's brilliant?
Sheep C: I don't not think he's brilliant.
Sheep A: So you think he's brilliant?
Sheep C: That makes sense.
Sheep A: Of course it does, because he is.
Act Three
Sheep D: I hear you're brilliant.
Sheep B: On a good day I can be.
Sheep D: Well they say you are brilliant.
Sheep B: If you say I am then I must be.
Sheep D: Do I think you are brilliant?
Sheep B: Do you think the others are liars?
Sheep D: No.
Sheep B: They think I am brilliant.
Sheep D: You must be brilliant then.
Sheep B: If you say I am then I must be.
Sheep D: Then today must be a good day.
Sheep B: If I am brilliant then it must be.
Sheep D: Today is a good day.
Sheep B: It is.
Act Four
Sheep D: Today is a good day.
Sheep C: It is?
Sheep D: He said it is.
Sheep A: He is brilliant.
Sheep C: Today must be a good day.
Sheep A: It must be.
Sheep D: Today is a good day.
Sheep A: I can beat that wolf.
Sheep C: You can?
Sheep A: On a good day I can.
Sheep D: Today is a good day.
Sheep A: I can beat that wolf.
Sheep C: Yeah, you can beat that wolf.
Sheep A: I'm going to beat that wolf.
Sheep C: Go beat that wolf!
Sheep D: I'll help.
I don't mean to kill the mood or to crash any one's party (parties), but I'd like to reflect on the problem. Yes the problem, we all know there is one though many fail to agree on what it is. This is by no means a solution, but it occurred to me that the problem is not unity nor is it separation. The problem is not missiles or clusters, or tribunals or tears. The problem is not zeal nor is it apathy. The problem is not bodies, its not buildings, it's not promises, it's not lies. It's not blue, it's not orange, it's red, yellow,green or black. The problem is not religion, it's not economy and we can all agree it is most definitely not politics.
The problem is simply delusions of grandeur.
You see good salespeople would convince you that you need to buy their product. They'll convince you that you are better off with it, that it will be to your benefit and that's what makes them good. Delusional salespeople would eventually tell you to fuck off; they are gonna keep the product for themselves because that's what makes them better than you.
Delusions of grandeur.
Act One
Sheep A: On a good day, I'd beat that wolf.
Sheep B: Yeah, you can beat that wolf.
Sheep A: On a good day.
Sheep B: Not a good day today is it?
Sheep A: Not a good day.
Sheep B: So is this...a bad day?
Sheep A: Wouldn't it have to be?
Sheep B: I don't think so.
Sheep A: So you are saying the day could be neither good nor bad?
Sheep B: Is that what I'm saying?
Sheep A: If that's what your saying, then I think you are brilliant?
Sheep B: That's what I'm saying.
Sheep A: I think you are brilliant.
Sheep B: I am brilliant then.
Act Two
Sheep A: That sheep over there is brilliant.
Sheep C: Is he?
Sheep A: He is.
Sheep C: How come?
Sheep A: He is enlightened.
Sheep C: Enlightened?
Sheep A: Enlightened...and brilliant.
Sheep C: Is that so?
Sheep A: Of course that is so.
Sheep C: How can I be sure?
Sheep A: Why don't you think he's brilliant?
Sheep C: I don't not think he's brilliant.
Sheep A: So you think he's brilliant?
Sheep C: That makes sense.
Sheep A: Of course it does, because he is.
Act Three
Sheep D: I hear you're brilliant.
Sheep B: On a good day I can be.
Sheep D: Well they say you are brilliant.
Sheep B: If you say I am then I must be.
Sheep D: Do I think you are brilliant?
Sheep B: Do you think the others are liars?
Sheep D: No.
Sheep B: They think I am brilliant.
Sheep D: You must be brilliant then.
Sheep B: If you say I am then I must be.
Sheep D: Then today must be a good day.
Sheep B: If I am brilliant then it must be.
Sheep D: Today is a good day.
Sheep B: It is.
Act Four
Sheep D: Today is a good day.
Sheep C: It is?
Sheep D: He said it is.
Sheep A: He is brilliant.
Sheep C: Today must be a good day.
Sheep A: It must be.
Sheep D: Today is a good day.
Sheep A: I can beat that wolf.
Sheep C: You can?
Sheep A: On a good day I can.
Sheep D: Today is a good day.
Sheep A: I can beat that wolf.
Sheep C: Yeah, you can beat that wolf.
Sheep A: I'm going to beat that wolf.
Sheep C: Go beat that wolf!
Sheep D: I'll help.
12.11.06
...in Need
I need help.
There is an eyelash in my eye...or perhaps a thin thread of fabric, or maybe even something else...
I don't know what or where it is...it's killing me...help me find it.
Did you find anything?
There is an eyelash in my eye...or perhaps a thin thread of fabric, or maybe even something else...
I don't know what or where it is...it's killing me...help me find it.
Did you find anything?
7.11.06
Caution: Personality is subject to addiction
I was told by my sister that I have an "addictive personality", of course I thought that was a good thing at first. I thought that my personality was addictive and people just can't get enough of it, they need their Oji fix. However it was then brought to my attention that what an addictive personality really is and my understanding of it are two distinctly different descriptions.
"An addictive person is one who has a compulsion to behave in ways that his or her family members consider detrimental to their interest. An addictive person will frequently conceal the extent of his addiction, will lie to his family about it, is immune to logical arguments to correct the error of his ways, and foregoes income that would require abandoning the addiction."
This was a description by a Dr. Noitall, printed in 'Science magazine' sometime in the early 90s (thank you Google - you really are the best beast out there).
Doesn't sound too good...then again who is this Dr. Noitall, what the hell does he/she know? (Is this my immunity to "logical arguments"? If so, how lame)...Dr. Know-it-all indeed.
"An addictive person is one who has a compulsion to behave in ways that his or her family members consider detrimental to their interest. An addictive person will frequently conceal the extent of his addiction, will lie to his family about it, is immune to logical arguments to correct the error of his ways, and foregoes income that would require abandoning the addiction."
This was a description by a Dr. Noitall, printed in 'Science magazine' sometime in the early 90s (thank you Google - you really are the best beast out there).
Doesn't sound too good...then again who is this Dr. Noitall, what the hell does he/she know? (Is this my immunity to "logical arguments"? If so, how lame)...Dr. Know-it-all indeed.
5.10.06
Let's be Constructive...
The other day I stumbled upon a animated TV show proposal for Children's programming, made by some Dubaian studio. I found this following statement on the proposal. I split my sides laughing...here it is:
" Our children are the future, let's be selective and make sure that they are consistently exposed to the right messages to help them grow into positive, balanced, compassionate and responsible adults.
Join us and say NO... to violence, terrorism, racism, sex, drugs, black magic and other destructive ideas!"
Okay.
You don't want to expose kids to sex then fine, don't...but a destructive idea? Surely you are being harsh. What part of it is destructive...the procreation, the pleasure...oh no, how stupid of me..its obviously because sex is vulgar and a breeding ground for disease and unwanted children...how destructive indeed, we don't need sex!
Look, now I'm being harsh...sex can actually be very destructive...i'll propose a few examples.
1) Sex with a direct family member - just imagine how awkward those family lunches will be, why destroy such a wonderful thing?
2) Sex with your neighbor's dog - How can you look your neighbor in the eye anymore, you'll always have to look through the peephole before u scurry to the elevator hoping not to bump into your neighbor, or worse yet..his/her dog. Why put yourself through all that trouble?
3) Sex in radioactive waste - In all fairness, its the radioactive waste that is a problem here.
So I can see their point, sex is a destructive idea that will yield imbalanced adults that will most probably lack compassion. That said, don't even get me started on black magic, hasn't that caused enough trouble already?
" Our children are the future, let's be selective and make sure that they are consistently exposed to the right messages to help them grow into positive, balanced, compassionate and responsible adults.
Join us and say NO... to violence, terrorism, racism, sex, drugs, black magic and other destructive ideas!"
Okay.
You don't want to expose kids to sex then fine, don't...but a destructive idea? Surely you are being harsh. What part of it is destructive...the procreation, the pleasure...oh no, how stupid of me..its obviously because sex is vulgar and a breeding ground for disease and unwanted children...how destructive indeed, we don't need sex!
Look, now I'm being harsh...sex can actually be very destructive...i'll propose a few examples.
1) Sex with a direct family member - just imagine how awkward those family lunches will be, why destroy such a wonderful thing?
2) Sex with your neighbor's dog - How can you look your neighbor in the eye anymore, you'll always have to look through the peephole before u scurry to the elevator hoping not to bump into your neighbor, or worse yet..his/her dog. Why put yourself through all that trouble?
3) Sex in radioactive waste - In all fairness, its the radioactive waste that is a problem here.
So I can see their point, sex is a destructive idea that will yield imbalanced adults that will most probably lack compassion. That said, don't even get me started on black magic, hasn't that caused enough trouble already?
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